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Sports Then and Now

Cup Of Joe: .05 Points From Fantasy Football Greatness

Posted on December 30, 2009 by Joe Gill

I now know how Scott Norwood feels.

I now know what the Buffalo Bills and Scott Norwood feel like. Missing out on your dreams by the slimmest of margins.

They have wide right.

I have .05 points. Yes, that’s five one hundredths of a point.

I have never won a fantasy football championship.

I could be considered the biggest fantasy football bridesmaid of all time.

A half a dozen trips to the big show and I have nothing to show for it. But, this one hurt more than all the others combined.

I was playing my biggest rival. Good versus Evil. Darth versus Luke.

Against the man who had the audacity to pour a beer on me at a bachelor party.

Not spill, literally pour.

I was trying to rid tyranny from the Earth! I wanted revenge!

The way I got to the M.I.L.F.F. (Man I Love Fantasy Football) championship game was a journey in itself.

The commish is a rookie and has his own out of the box thinking which I really like.

He based his seeding on some funky formula, so as the second seed (after the bye) I played the sixth seed rather than the fifth seed.

Steamin’ Cup of Joe was lucky to face the Fat Manatees and not his hated rival, Suck these Chinese Nuts!

I was in Chicago to see the Bruins play the Blackhawks. My friend and I spent an extra day in the Windy City due to the weather back east. We decided to take in the Buffalo-New England game and the rest of the NFL action at Old Mother Hubbard’s (great food and great place to take in a game).

I saw that Jerome Harrison was tearing up the Chiefs for 286 yards and three scores. My fantasy football dreams were being dashed. The Fat Manatees got me.

Andre Johnson also blew up for 196 yards, so I was toast.

Or so I thought!

The owner of the Manatees, Jeremy, texted me with the following, “Your Browns screwed me again. I started Jennings over Harrison.”

My friend said my whole demeanor changed after I read the message from the heavens. Hope bloomed eternal for Steamin’ Cup of Joe.

I ended up winning the game, 152.70 to 124.15, thanks to Carson Palmer’s first 300 yard game in 2 years (Palmer will play a pivotal role in the Super Bowl too).

Heartache averted, now off to the Big Dance!

Suck my Chinese Nuts! He crushed his opponent, so the stage was set.

Revenge will be mine (playing with my black handle bar moustache)!

I made a huge pick up by taking Jerome Harrison off the waiver wire. He also beat me so I figured he should join me (plus I get to keep him next season. Sweeeet!).

Who should I sit? Steve Smith from the Giants was the unlucky one. He had been pretty steady all year, but a running back will get me more points and he had the hot hand.

So after a great Christmas day with the family, the Super Bowl kicked off with Chargers-Titans. He had Rivers and Vincent Jackson. I had CJ28, the best running back in football.

Chris Johnson did not disappoint even in garbage time. He posted 142 yards and a touchdown.

Phillip Rivers cooled off after a smoking first half and was benched most of the second half.

I only trailed by 10 points with one more player than him.

Sunday arrived and it was go time!

I met my friends at my favorite watering hole, the Skybox. I was happy the Patriots game was a blowout so I could concentrate on the bevy of impactful games.

Carson Palmer was killing me softly. He was horrid in the first half posting -.05 points.

He was as bad as you could be against a bad Kansas City defense.

It didn’t look good, but it was early my friends kept saying. They all wanted me to win because they too didn’t care for the Jerry Jones like owner of Suck My Chinese Nuts!

Palmer turned it around. He ended up with 17 points, not bad after a horrid first half.

Late season pickup, Jerome Harrison did great with 148 yards and a score versus the Raiders.

I did notice a scoring loophole in the league rules. My adversary had the New Orleans defense that let up 20 points in a devastating loss to the Buccaneers.

In our league, Special teams and defensive touchdowns don’t go against your defense. However, what about the corresponding extra points?

I brought this up to my commish when I got home. I figured bring it up now and hope the 4 point scoring swing doesn’t hurt me in the end (oh came back and bit me right in the hind quarters).

After Frank Gore had a strong game and the Philly D imploded in the second half versus Denver, I had a 21 point lead going into the Monday night game.

I wanted to have at least a 40 point lead to feel “safe”, but versus Adrian Peterson you better have a 100 point lead.

I had the Vikings’ kicker Ryan Longwell to try to combat Adrian Peterson on this night.

However, Ryan Longwell had an extra point blocked which cost me one very important point.

I prayed it wouldn’t cost me.

The Bears dominated Minnesota in the first half. Peterson was held to only 40 yards or so.

I prayed it wouldn’t cost me.

Could Steamin’ Cup of Joe hold on?

The second half was a completely different game. The Bears looked like they

Adrian Peterson was awarded three more yards on his final catch to cost me a fantasy football title by .05 pts.

were in quicksand. No one was making plays and no one was stopping Adrian Peterson.

Pass interference in the end zone. AP gets a lay up touch down.

Minnesota scores again, extra point for Longwell. Now he was back to zero! UGH!

Longwell adds a 41 yard field goal (5.1 point kick in our league). I get a little breathing room!

AP scores again! NOOOOOOOO!

On the last play of the game, I was down .5 points. If Favre throws a touchdown to tie and Longwell can put me in the lead!

I was on the phone with my buddy, John who is a long time Bears fan. We would rib each other each week about his Bears and my Patriots.

Now I needed the team that I ragged on all year to win me my first Super Bowl title!

But first they needed to let Favre score.

Touchdown! Extra point is good!

What a roller coaster! I didn’t think my stomach or heart could take anymore!

Well get the paramedics on stand by!

The Bears needed to win the coin toss then win the game in OT. My Bears buddy goes home happy and I get my elusive title.

Robbie Gould lines up for the kick. The kick. Wide left!

You have to be friggin’ kidding me.

I had 911 on speed dial, just in case I went into Cardiac arrest.

Minnesota gets the ball and doesn’t due much.

Bears get it again and nothing.

The Vikings get the ball. I am clinging on to a .55 point lead.

Favre rolls out and hits AP with a pass. I am all done. It was a good year.

Then I hear, Peterson fumbles!!

Oh my god, my heart can’t take any more.

I broke out my scientific calculator. Peterson gets 1 point for the catch and 1.3 for yardage then loses 2 points for the fumble!

YES!! After using the formula for pie, I figured I had a .25 lead.

My friend said did you win. I said you never know there may be an adjustment.

Bears win the game in OT and I win!

Or so I thought.

The score showed Steamin’ Cup of Joe 144.25, Suck my Chinese Nuts 144.00.


The score now read Suck my Chinese Nuts 144.30, Steamin’ Cup of Joe 144.25.

It was like seeing your dog get hit by a car and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I was devastated and disappointed.

It turns out that Peterson got 16 yards on the catch not 13 yards.

Three yards. Nine feet. 108 inches.

Defeat taken from the jaws of victory!

I spoke to the commish on Monday about the defensive extra point loophole, but to no avail. It’s too late to change the rule now.

I won money but I wanted the trophy. It was about pride.

As they say in real football, you need to win the turnover battle (I lost 8 points in turnovers) and have sound special teams (missed extra point) and defense (Philly let up 2 late td’s against Denver).

Live and learn and come back harder than before!

Look out M.I.L.F.F. league in 2010!

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